My piano

Sigh.

I was just reunited with an old friend. My piano... It had probably been several years since I dusted off the keys, stretched my fingers, and broke out some sheet music. Tonight Norah Jones came up in a conversation and I was longingly reminded of how much I love her music. Mmmm... So I started playing and I was quickly brought back to my high school and college years when I would play for hours a day.

Looking back, in high school, I think I played mostly because I was working out intense emotional situations. Playing put me at ease. I would play songs that fit my mood. It was like I could finally think clearly when placed in front of a piano. In college, I bought a Clavinova that made a dozen moves with me as I traveled throughout the country. Chris and I used to have visions of playing together, making music together. This happened occasionally, but I'm sad to say our lives have been so completely full that it happened only a few times before we had kids. I used to be able to play "Claire de Lune" for Chris, and it would make him melt. :) It now sits in my bedroom next to the "family bed." Usually covered in dust...

I can't tell you how many times I have looked at my piano like it was taunting me, telling me that I am a betrayer, begging me to play it for just a few minutes. But other voices were louder. Sleep. Housework. Babies. Little girl's fingers competing for a taste of the beautiful sounds. Thoughts that I probably am not good anymore.

Tonight, as I turned on the lamp next to my bed, my fingers turned on the digital piano instead of picking up my latest read. I don't know why I did this, it was like my fingers were possessed. I remember thinking, you're crazy, you're going to wake Gavin who is laying asleep only two feet away from you! As soon as I sat to play "Come Away with Me" (a song Chris and I deemed as "our song"), I realized that not all is lost. My piano still does what it used to, and my fingers still do what I tell them to. Well, not as beautifully as they used to, if I'm honest. :) I remembered our wedding day, dancing to this song.

As I transitioned to "One Flight Down," I became tearful. It's a song I always tried to imagine the story behind the music and words. I still don't know the exact meaning, but tonight the words told me a story of my relationship with Chris. Chris has a love for his guitar. And he's really really good. As our lives have changed from singles to a partnership with two kids, he still hasn't given up on his music. I love that about him, but if I'm honest, I've also been resentful about it. I've had times where I'd wake up at 2am and be angry that he was playing quietly in another room. I didn't know why until tonight. I was jealous! REALLY. I wanted that alone time, that peaceful energy, that insight that comes with each note played. I'm so glad that he keeps playing and he is a wiser person than I, because he knows that he really needs to create to feel at peace with his world. And tonight, I realized that this is something I need too. It's not just a musical instrument sitting in my home, waiting for another generation to learn its magic. I have too much history with my piano to just let it fall to the wayside. And maybe Chris and I can work a miracle and make that dream to play together become more of a reality. I have to say, life amazes me sometimes. Little pieces of insight are everywhere, even in your ancient past. And... Gavin remains sleeping. :)

One Flight Down

One flight down

there's a song on low,

and your mind just picked up on the sound

Now you know that you're wrong,

because it drifts like smoke

and it's been there playing all along.

Now you know, Now you know.

The reeds and brass have been weaving,

leading into a single note.

In this place

where your arms unfold,

here at last you see your ancient face.

Now you know, Now you know.

The cadence rolls in, broken,

plays it over and then goes.

One flight down

there's a song on low,

and it's been there playing all along.

Now you know. Now you know.