Girls Like Dragons, Too

This last week I (Chris) was at Target with the kids. (For anyone that doesn't know, I am staying at home with the kids this summer.) While at Target, we were shopping around the kid toy aisles, when I overheard a little boy (about 4-5) say to his sister (about 2 and sitting in the cart), "Here, Ellie!" as he attempted to hand his sister a dragon toy.

The mother promptly replied to her son, "Girls don't like dragons," as she then directed him to put the toy dragon back on the shelf.

As for me, watching and listening, I was frankly pissed. In that short exchange between parent and children (because the daughter was watching and listening intently, too), the parent made a very broad generalization about gender. Apparently, if one 2 year old girl doesn't like toy dragons (I should add here that the girl was reaching for the toy dragon, when being denied it), all girls everywhere don't like dragons.

Well, I couldn't keep my thoughts to myself. It seemed fitting that my own daughter (who is three) was sitting in our cart playing with a toy dragon, so I said to the mom, "My daughter likes dragons just fine," motioning over to my daughter.

She just kinda looked at me, and then Ava, and then proceeded to walk away with her kids. And just like that the "exchange" or clash of ideas about gender was over. I left feeling a little better, because I saw her 2 yr old look at Ava playing with the Air Bender dragon toy. Baby steps, right?

Well, this begged the question for me: Why do we need to constantly tell our children (this being parents, grandparents, teachers, adults, etc.) what they need to like or not like? I was given a great article by Karin Martin called "Becoming a Gendered Body: Practices of Preschools," where her research suggests that the way in which our bodies are gendered, (i.e. the way a boy is brought up to be more physical and take up more space vs. a girl who is brought up to be quiet and literally take up less space, even feeling uncomfortable with one's body), is constructed through our social institutions at a very young age -- in this case, she examined it at a pre-school.

The big take-away for me was how these gendered differences take place at such an early age so it seems as though it is just the way it is -- boys are one way and girls another, even though both boys and girls play around with the same kind of toys, same level of 'loudness', and same level of physicallity, learning what they like and don't like, until their culture says what's "appropriate" for them -- gender-wise. In other words, these gendered differences come across as something "natural", when they're really something adults/institutions encroach upon children.

There is one area in which I think I disagree with Martin's analysis. It's a small one, but I think relevant. In her conclusion, she chose the word "resistance" to indicate how children act differently then how culture seems to be gendering them. I disagree with this word choice. I don't think children are cognizant of this institutionalization. They don't outright rebel against these gender "differences"; it's more of a play-thing. Children cope through play. Define their world through play. Play is how the process the world, and I think it's more of them testing their environment, adapting, trying to learn and fit in the best they can. That's my two cents there.

I digress. Back to the topic at hand.

If you don't believe me. I got a few more examples from just this like week alone. Ava came to the dentist with me last week. The hygienist asked her if she wanted a new toothbrush. Of course, she did. Ava went over to the draw full of toothbrushes and the hygienist asked, "Which one would you like?"

Ava was looking around for a second, then chose a Cars toothbrush. The hygienist immediately responded, "Are you sure?" And then moved the Cars toothbrush to the side and picked out three Disney Princess toothbrushes and asked her to then choose from those three. WTF?

I got more, but I hope the point is made. And the point I really want to take home and apply to my own parenting is how I can help my daughter choose her own self. I don't want to enforce these limits upon her. I want to nurture her and bring out her self-confidence to be strong in those situations where others are saying she has to be one way when in fact she's not akin to their one-world mold.

Anyways, all this to say, I'm processing this...

Here's the article info below. If you want a copy, I have it and can send it to you. Peace.

Martin, Karin A. "Becoming a Gendered Body: Practices of Preschools." The Politics of Women's Bodies. Ed. Weitz, Rose. New York: Oxford Univ. Press, 2003. 219-39.