My (im)Perfect Family

Both the kids are sleeping and Chris is at his office doing homework, so I'm left here wondering what to do with myself! A little catching up and processing to do...

The past few weeks have been a flurry of roller coaster emotions for me, and with most of my family too! I started work again last week and I was wary because Gavin was not taking the bottle too well yet. (And just for the record, we started "practicing" with the bottle back at 2 weeks--so it's not like we started too late.) And... he vetoed the bottle. So last week I left him with my mom and he cried. A lot. Which totally breaks a mommy's heart! Work went okay, but experienced the same drama that I forgot existed while I was on maternity leave. I came home for lunch and nursed Gavin, which I'm glad I did, as it soothed mine and Gavin's soul, at least for an hour of the day. Most days though, I returned back to work with tears running down my face. It was hard to leave him knowing he wanted me so badly. Ava did well last week, which I was very happy about since Gavin was a little bit time consuming for those taking care of him.

This past week went a little better. Chris' dad watched the kids and invited Auntie Mandi along as well. Gavin learned how to not scream at the sight of the bottle--a small but miraculous victory, thanks to Chris and Larry. I seriously did something that resembled an end zone celebration when I heard he drank a mere 1/2 ounce of milk. What? I was excited!! Anyways, Gavin's gradually getting better at the bottle. Thank the LORD! It was like torture when he wouldn't eat! Even though Gavin was doing better, it was Ava's turn for meltdowns. Instead of being tormented by a non-bottle drinking son, I was met with a velcro-to-the-leg 3 year old every time I would leave the house. In fact, the screaming words, "I NEED you mommy! I WANT you mommy" are enough to make a mom cry as well. *sigh* I got through the week, but holy... It was hard! I actually got to the point where I was so emotionally spent that I couldn't cry. Me. Usually this is NOT an issue for me. Crying is like my venting place; my healing tears. I think I was numb to all the commotion of life. Ok, maybe I'm a little dramatic, but it sure felt painful at times!

Then, yesterday I went out for a couple drinks with two of my friends. It was like I found a piece of myself I've been looking for, for a long time, in the midst of all this "transitional" crap. We talked about family, marriage, chaos, stress, kids, and funny stories. I laughed so hard I cried. I don't remember the last time I cried as a result of humor instead of stress. We talked about how marriages all around us are crumbling. Really, it's depressing. We talked about moms who swear they never fight with their husband or get mad at their kids. Really? Do they think for one second anyone actually believes them? After 2 drinks, some tears of sorrow, and a lot of laughter, I went home and thanked God I have this family that I would die for. And a family that causes me such heartache. Really, how lucky am I that I get deal with the stress when my son wants to cuddle and nurse instead of suck on a plastic nipple. Or cry in frustration when my little girl doesn't want me to leave because she loves me so much. And feel guilty because I have a husband who has a million things to do for school, but puts it all on hold because he knows I need to get out.

The last two weeks were sooo not fun, but I'd do it all over again. And I usually do in some form, and will again and again throughout my life. I am blessed to have these amazing people in my life to stress over. And I hope I have a lot more tears of laughter in the future. It felt amazing. :)